I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
