You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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