DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
