First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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