i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
