so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
