You're my little dorito
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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