Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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