Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
