I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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