I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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