she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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