Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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