Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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