that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
