he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
My cat gives me a boner
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
