You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
