worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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