I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
