How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
