I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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