he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
