John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
