I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
