I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
