I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
