Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
