I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
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