not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Randomize
