I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
