I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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