I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
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How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
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I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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