I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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