My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
