when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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