Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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