Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
