I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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