So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
