I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
