She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Welp...herpes.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
