i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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