Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
