remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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