Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
