Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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