I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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