I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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