I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
