3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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