she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
