Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
