Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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