just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
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did i walk over a car last night?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
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Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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