Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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