Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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