i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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